Our time together

• So today I will write fully in English, just cause I feel it's a lot easier. Although my English is not that good but I'll do my best. The point of today's entry is that I wanna talk about this someone that I've known for the past few months and keeping it as a memory in here. A very valuable memory.

• I got to know this person from a game that we played, it's just a snake game but it allows us to chat with friends. From there he asked to add me on Discord, and I gave him my ID. From that moment on, our conversation started, it was on 20th April 2021. During those times, we only talked for like few hours on skipping days. Merely just about our gameplay. As time goes by, I find that having conversation with him was very fun and I just want to continue talking with him.

• Then sometime after, we started to talk every single day. I also got to know that his sleeping schedule is different. Hence the reason why we only talk for few hours a day.  I guess after I've been asked to quit my job, I started to change my sleep schedule as well, cause like I said I enjoyed talking with him and... I don't know, I feel like I want to be there for him?

• Months and months after, our conversation still going and it was a very fun times. I got to know about him a lot, knows that he's two years younger than me but he won't tell me where he's staying. I guess at that time too, I've started to develop feelings for him? He also started to teach me playing Mahjong. I wanted to learn it, one is because I want to know how it goes cause I only know its existence, second is because when we start to like someone, we just wanna do the things they like and wants to get involve in it. Does it sounds cheesy? Lol.

• Time goes by, and he started to know that I have feelings for him. But he told me cause we lived far and he has someone that he is into. I really don't mind that, cause I wasn't asking to have any sort of romantic relationship at all, cause I know it wouldn't work. It just won't.

• And then, I don't know how and when but one day we decided to spend time everyday doing stuff together like playing the snake game, playing Mahjong and even watch anime and movies together. I no longer do stuff that I usually do, cause I had fun spending those times with him. Sometimes we would be in VC and just talk, it's just very comforting. He even gave me some songs that he sang, I would keep it hopefully forever :)

• Until one day, he asked to see me. He sent me his pictures, and I sent mine in return to that. After a while he started to change. We didn't spend time like we used to. He's no longer the happy go lucky person that I've always known. He told me that he doesn't like himself lately. From that moment, I just felt like I'm no longer needed by his side. We always argue with each other but every time we'll just make up and be at peace again. But this time, it felt different. He no longer calls me by my name. The way he talks feels cold towards me. He doesn't start any conversation like he used to. All I want is just the same person that I've known from the previous months, the one that was always eager and excited to talk to me, always wanted to know how I'm doing, but not this one. I still remember back then when he doesn't have internet connection, he went to his friend's place and use their laptop and he said how much he missed talking to me :) It's really a totally different person now and it causes me to feel so sad for such changes.

• Hence, I decided to walk away. It's just so painful and my heart's broken. I'm very grateful to meet with such an amazing person and appreciate all the times we've gone through. Spending time with him just makes me forget how sad I was about my mom passing and all the troubles I have. But I guess, everything has an ending. It'll be by now. I will miss everything. Thank you, Yuki. I still have lots of things I wanna talk and watch stuff with you but I guess it will never come true.

give up

• Salam Aidilfitri! Raya tahun ini jika dibandingkan dengan tahun lepas, amatlah hmm... tak ada rasa apa-apa kot? Rasa seronok tak ada. Tak ada rasa looking forward to Raya macam tu. Pretty obvious kot, Raya pertama tanpa emak. Pesanan mak setiap kali Raya pertama, "ingat, niat mandi sunat Raya". Simpan sebagai kenangan.

• Tiba-tiba sekarang ni, rasa macam lost kejap. Macam tak tahu nak buat apa. Macam takda tujuan dalam hidup. Is that a bad thing? Bukanlah sampai tahap nak bunuh diri tu, cumanya rasa macam kalau Allah tarik nyawa pun dah tak kisah? Macam tu kot. Sebab semua orang (family) macam dah buat hal masing-masing. Masing-masing macam dah move on, sort of tak ingat mak dah. I really believe that mom was the only person that bonds our family. Now there's no more bond.

• Tak tahu nak expect apa lepas ini. Kalau lepas ni semua orang dah berumahtangga, lagi lah mereka akan buat hal masing-masing. Ugh, tak sedia untuk masa depan. Memang macam ni ke perasaan bila memasuki adulthood? Haih. Sebab ini lah, rasa macam dah tak kisah kalau nyawa ditarik...giving up, I think? I don't know.

p/s --> I'm scared for the future. 

 

Emak

• Pada 11 Januari 2021 jam 5.30 pagi kami sekeluarga bergegas ke hospital setelah menerima panggilan telefon dari hospital. Disebabkan perjalanan yang jauh kami tiba jam 6 pagi dan sejurus ke wad CCU. Jururawat memanggil kami semua masuk dan ketika itu lah... kami melihat emak dan langsung diberitahu bahawa beliau sudah pergi menghadap Ilahi jam 5.09 pagi. Sungguh kami tidak sangka.

• Aku tak sempat ucap terima kasih sambil meratapinya, tak sempat. Sungguh Allah lebih menyayangi mu, emak. Tapi kami sangat bersyukur kerana pemergian emak dipermudahkan dan beliau pergi dengan tenang. Tetap aku sedih kerana tidak berada di sisinya saat terakhir, minta maaf emak.

• Jujur aku katakan yang aku tidak pernah melihat ayahku menangis, tapi sepanjang arwah emak di wad CCU tidak berhenti ayahku mengharapkan supaya emak dapat pulang kepada kami seperti dahulu. Aku tahu ayah sangat tidak bersedia ditinggalkan emak. Aku sedih. Aku yang selama ini tidak pernah memeluk sesiapa, aku peluk ayahku dengan kuat mengharapkan beliau terus tabah dan mengingatkan bahawa beliau tidak keseorangan. Allah lebih mengetahui segalanya.

• Emak, kami merasakan yang emak sudah tahu.. emak tahu yang emak akan tinggalkan kami selamanya. Tapi emak tidak katakan apa-apa, hanya senyuman manis yang terukir. Setiap hari bangun dari tidur, aku sentiasa mengharapkan ini adalah mimpi. Aku membayangkan emak ada di ruang tamu, ada di dapur. Tapi sayang, ini semua realiti.

• Semasa emak ada, aku sentiasa memikirkan untuk memeluk erat emak tanpa perlu sebab. Tapi tak pernah aku lakukan.. mungkin aku terlalu ingin menyembunyikan rasa kasih itu. Menyesal aku sekarang, emak. Yang ada kini cuma memori berserta gambar-gambarmu. Tidak lagi dapat mendengar emak berkata-kata, mendengar cerita-ceritamu.

• Emak, tak sempat kita tidur di hotel yang emak nak pergi. Tak sempat kita berjalan-jalan bersama ke Indonesia. Emak pun teringin ku bawa ke Jepun kan? Maaf emak..semuanya tak berjalan seperti yang dirancang. Emak jaga diri baik-baik di sana.

A good friend of mine.

• It's been awhile. I thought I don't want to write anymore (thinking I'm all grown up) huhu but just this last time, I want to write about this one friend. 
• Tak tahu kalau sekarang masih consider sebagai kawan atau tidak sebab dah lama sangat tak berhubung. Tak ingat kali terakhir kita bersembang. Dulu pernah janji dengan diri sendiri tak akan kahwin selagi dia tak kahwin. Tak tahu kalau janji tu masih boleh pakai atau tak, sebab yelah contact pun tidak.
• Tapi dia sedara kawan kita, so tak ada lah fully lost contact or anything. Cuma tak ada khabar berita dari tuan punya badan. Tipulah kalau kita kata dah lupa pasal dia, lagi pun dia someone that I admire sampai sekarang. Berkebolehan dalam semua (berdasarkan cerita), pandai dalam pelajaran (SPM semua A beb!), taat pada Tuhan, usaha cari duit untuk dapatkan benda yang dia nak, tambah lagi family dia berada (I guess). So that's why I admire him.
• Ingat lagi masa first dia contact, dia dapatkan number phone kita senyap2 dari kawan baik kita (sedara dia) dan beria mesej. Last-last kantoi jugalah haha. Masa tu kita form 3 dan dia form 4. He's from another school tapi dia kata dia first nampak kita masa jamuan pengawas dekat sekolah. Lepas tu tak puas hati sebab kita tak nampak dia haha macamlah dia seorang dekat situ.
• The relationship goes by, still tak percaya yang sampai sekarang tak pernah tahu muka dia (berahsia sangat). That one time, kawan kita nak tunjuk gambar, tapi gambarnya ramai orang tambah lagi jauh pulak tu, tak nampak sangat mukanya. Another time, masa dekat satu event ni kawan kita curi2 bawa pergi intai dia, silaplah masa tu tak pakai spek mata, nampak kabur-kabur macam tu je dia cisss.
• Paling tak lupa sepanjang berkawan ialah selalu tukar-tukar hadiah masa birthday and I appreciate the gift he made himself, macam stuffed cat tu (mana pergi entah haha). Sebabkan dia jugalah kita decide untuk start guna 'kita' bila masuk U, tak ada aku-kau bagai.
• Lepas dia habis SPM, dia masuk UKM tak silap ambil course sains matematik, tapi dia tak minat (berdasarkan cerita). Kemudian dia fly Canada belajar dekat sana. Start dari tu dah semakin kurang berhubung. Kalau tak dulu boleh kata setiap malam jugalah bersembang. Start je dia guna 'kita' bagai terus macam lain (perasaan gua je tak pastilah). 
• Tapi sekarang, tak pasti dia dekat Malaysia atau masih di luar negara. Cuma kita dekat sini memang kalau boleh nak jumpa semula sahabat lama ni (jumpa? haha tak pernah jumpa face to face sebenarnya). Cuma itu yang diharapkan, sebab masing-masing dah dewasa kan. Rasa tak ada masalah kot?
• Tak tahu nak tambah apa lagi, mungkin akan update kalau ada kot. Anyway, I decided to post this on Internet sebab mungkin lebih mudah cari. Plus kalau letak dalam lappy pun, belum tentu selamat haha. Just posting this in case I lost memory one day, and hoping I'll never forget him. A good friend in deed. This is a picture of a button he made himself:

Yes, I still keep it. Coz this is the only memory and gift I had.

Pengalaman

• Hola! Lama tak letak entri baru. Anyway, sekarang tengah sem break dan pastinya orang akan tanya, "Buat apa cuti ni?" (FAQ) dan jawapan mudah "Hmm duk rumah, keluar jalan2". Haha.
• Kelmarin macam saja-saja la kan taip nama sendiri (mikuxxsan) dekat google nak tengok keluar padia. Tekan-tekan link, tiba-tiba sampai kat fan page DU'A. Ada video yang kita buat, depa share. Masa tu rasa macam...perghhh excited gilaa. Skrol-skrol adaa lagi dia share. Lagi la rasa nak meletup haha! Rasa terharu :') hikhik. Lepas tu tekan lagi link lain. Banyak rupanya video Beatles yang kita buat lirik tu orang share siap credit. Huu~
• Hmm tadi, dalam pukul 9 malam lebih bertolak ke Icity. Bawa sepupu berjalan gitu, datang dari utara. Seriously masuk snow walk best gila. Mahal memang la tapi berbaloi kot. Syiok. Hehe. Main sampai tak ingat dunia, tak tengok jam langsung, tengok-tengok dah dekat pukul 10 lebih.
• Entri ni sebenarnya nak cerita tentang...haha. Tiba-tiba teringat budak tu. Nak kata rindu hmm...yeah? Haha. Rindu masa dulu-dulu mula kenal. Rindu masa dulu-dulu bersembang. Rindu masa dulu-dulu main tukar-tukar hadiah. Tapi yelah, people come and go right? Life moves on. Cuma terfikir bila lagi boleh bersembang. We used to be good friends. Kena berdoa saja la mintak ALLAH pertemukan kami. InsyaAllah

p/s ---> ruining the body. (I ain't insomnia ok)